Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
