You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
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If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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