I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
