I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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