i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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