Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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