My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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