This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
