Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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