i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
