I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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