So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
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Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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