life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I need water and some morals
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
