DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
