I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
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HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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