Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
