Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
