just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
