he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Less talking, more tequila
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I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
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New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude