Swine flu is the new snow day.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
