He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
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I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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