Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize