FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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