On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
