I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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