Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
