if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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