We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
