I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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