She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Houston, we have a squirter
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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