come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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