my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
