You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
