Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
