That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just had sex bonerless
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
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BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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