Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Randomize
