what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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