thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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