He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
