I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
