the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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