And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
