Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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