i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
