if you like me you must not know who I am
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
