i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
