Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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