My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
