I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The uberlube is also flammable
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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