i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
