Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
