she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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