I puked a lego.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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