If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
