i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
smell my finger.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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